Could she order the shopping over the internet, prepare food, research care options, agree to take over when you need a break, be a support to you, or could she help financially? How do I cope with my rage? Try to find things she is happy to do and will follow through on. Look at different options and try to find a solution that would work for you both. Yours, Brenda Dear Brenda I have received a lot of letters recently from people caring for their elderly parents or relatives. My sister promised last November to visit on Sunday afternoons once a month. I suggest meeting on neutral territory — perhaps going out for a coffee or lunch.
Without accusing, demanding or getting angry, ask her how she is feeling about your mother and her illness. Since then there have been just three brief afternoon visits — not even a visit at Christmas. From what you have said, the same is true for you. So, what can you do? Why do they do it? I have begged and raged at my sister to do more, pointing out brutally that she will feel guilty when Mum is dead and that I am desperate for help in sharing the care. Then ask if you can discuss a plan for the future. My sister promised last November to visit on Sunday afternoons once a month. I can cope with making more visits. Mostly it is because they love the person, they feel a sense of duty and responsibility and they want to be involved in providing or getting their relative the best care possible. Discovering the truth will, hopefully, help you to understand her behaviour and enable you to work out what kind of support or not you can expect from her in the future. They may not be able to improve the situation — but knowing that you are not in it alone may make it easier to bear. And, finally, if after your conversation with your sister you still feel angry, find someone you can talk to about it — a good friend, a relative, a vicar, a therapist or anyone who will offer you support and a sympathetic ear. The majority write to me about the strain on their own health, the worry of knowing if their relative is getting the best care, the grief of seeing their loved one deteriorate and the loneliness of coping on their own. The websites at age. I do not know what to do, except accept that all the care will be mine. All the carers who wrote to me agreed on one thing: Could she order the shopping over the internet, prepare food, research care options, agree to take over when you need a break, be a support to you, or could she help financially? How do I cope with my rage? Dementia sufferers forced out of homes 25 Jan Mum needs more support and I will need to visit more often. Look at different options and try to find a solution that would work for you both. After she has said her piece and you have taken the time to understand her, tell her how you feel and the concerns you have about how you are going to cope with the continual care of your mother. Find out if she has some suggestions or thoughts about how your mother should be cared for or how things could work between you. Probe carefully to see if there is anything that could or would change the situation, and help her to see if there is something she could be doing to bring it about. Make sure that you have a good support network around you.
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